He’s growing everyday and it scares
Me that he is fragile just like you
And he won’t have your name
Because that’s yours and he’ll
Be someone new but
His bedtime stories
Will have you as the hero
Defeating evil and living
In his mind like a
Legend that you never
Got to become, but
You will be here with
Him when I tell the same
Riddles and kiss him on
His sweaty, feverish forehead
Late at night, like I did to
You when mom told you
To go back to bed and
You know she never meant
To be mean but she wanted
You to be ready to live
On your own but maybe
It’s good that the world
Never broke you and
I’m so scared it’ll break him
And that he’ll outgrow you
Not that I want the same
Ending for him that you
Had in your life but if
He outgrows you he will
Outgrow my expectations
For little boys and I know
That I’m not naming him
After you but I want him
To be like you, in a
Different way but not too
Different because his feet will
One day be the same size as yours
Were the day when dad had to
Take your shoes off and he put
Them away neatly even though
He knew you would never
Wear them again and one
Day he’ll be exactly the same
Age down to the seconds
Of when you left us
And then he might surpass
You and I’ll just wonder
The whole time why he got
To live on and you didn’t
Not in a bad sort of way
But in a way that just makes
Me want all little boys
To get bigger feet and outgrow
Their clothes and to stop
Wetting the bed and he
Might get older than you and
Taller than the pencil mark
On the old kitchen entry way
So I can’t carry him around
Like I carry you in my head
It’s just not supposed to be
This way and I wish I knew
Why it was this way so
I could tell him why his
Uncle died the night we
Were supposed to go
Get ice cream and see
A movie and play Monopoly
With his favorite red shoes
On and why I couldn’t
Have saved him and
Let him have the rest
Of his life like I’m
Giving this life to the
Stranger in my stomach
Why can I give without
Trying but I couldn’t try
Hard enough to give you
My hand as you slipped down
And fell and your hand was
Little like his will be in mine
Like it was supposed to be
Yours in mine that time
In the woods with the sound
Of the rushing water
Telling me that life
Was going by in the face
Of yours stopping
And after seeing that
Replay over and over
One day I’ll see new life
Instead of death replay
And maybe
It’ll begin again
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