Sunday, September 15, 2013

I think jealousy is the worst emotion

           There is a reason why people say jealousy is an ugly quality. It’s looked down upon which only adds to the misery when you feel jealous. You get two feelings for the price of one, the guilt curdles in your stomach with the envy and makes you feel heavy and like you might explode at the same time. There’s no way to release it. When you’re sad and you cry or when your mad and you just throw stuff around your room some of the feeling leaves you. Jealousy has no way out. It’s like a lost child in a maze, running around, not knowing where to go or what to feel.
The sadness and anger mix in such a way that you can’t unmix them. You don’t know whether to sob or scream, and deep down you know that neither or them will help. You can’t have what you want, whether it’s a person or a situation or a glance. It’s not an easy thing to feel. It doesn’t come in waves or boils up and over. It slices your insides, so you’re bleeding but can’t put a band-aid on it. It steals your breath and cripples your body. Somebody else is feeling what you so desperately want to feel and there’s no way you can be in his or her place. They have it and you don’t.
So sure it’s an ugly quality to have. It’s a hideous thing that attaches itself to you like a parasite and drains you like a leech. But I don’t look down on jealous people. They don’t feel like they are enough, that they have enough and that’s probably the saddest thing a person can feel. I want to hug them and tell them that what they have is okay, that what comes will come, that the fights worth fighting for will be fought and maybe it won’t end up in their favor but it’ll take them on a journey. Jealousy will propel you somewhere and you just have to steer it the right way. I think that’s the thing about jealousy, it doesn’t come out on it’s own, it has to be told. It might be a wrestling match but you’ll beat it into submission, you’ll put some spices on it, you’ll turn into something that tastes okay.

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