Part III: Landed on the stars

             I can’t believe what I did last night. I can’t even write it down it’s so vile but it’s what girls my age do and what boys our age persuade us to do. I don’t think you would make girls do things like that for you, though. I know that when someone dies, so young especially, we all make them out to be such perfect angels even when maybe they weren’t and maybe you would’ve lost your innocence and been corrupted by the vulgar boys on the bus. Maybe you would’ve figured out why our cousin stopped showing up at Thanksgiving and the reason mom and dad didn’t let us watch the news. I guess I’m torn between wanting you here with me and being glad the pain is over and that no one will ever break your heart and the world you had in your mind won’t be torn apart. Mine was, and even more so after you left because my world always had you in it.

            Don’t worry though it wasn’t your fault for my world being destroyed. I guess it was the world’s fault, for being how it is. Just know that sometimes the only reason I smile is because if you are watching from somewhere I don’t want you to feel bad for your absence making me sad. You need to know you didn’t leave me with darkness. I kept, and am still keeping so much light from you that I try to give to others but sometimes I selfishly take a bunch for myself.

I know that I can’t change when or how you left because it’s yours. Just like the color of your eyes, hazel, and the freckles on your nose, seven. It was your departure and it’s part of you, the you that will forever be you.

            I don’t know if you’ve grown up or if you still can’t do multiplication. I don’t know if you read those gross magazines that boys hide under their mattresses. I just wish I knew. I hope when we meet again somehow it’ll just be like it was before and maybe I’ll get my innocence back and you’ll still have yours. We can look at the stars and still think one day we’ll climb high enough to pick them like apples and we’ll carry out our plan to save the world. I hope you still fit in the batman costume. I’ll wear your red cape.