Sunday, September 15, 2013

A Lonely, Hopelessly Romantic Eighteen Year Old Girl's Outlook on Love

Love Is Not Like the Movies
I wrote this two years ago but I still find it relevant, also it was the beginning of a book/movie, but it is basically my life.

Dark brown ruffled hair, tight grey t-shirt, hands in his pockets with a casual stroll. He smiles a little bit and I grow flustered.

"Look! That guy just smiled at you! You're looking for a boyfriend. You should date him!"
"He would never date me."

And I’m sitting here to tell you that he never will.

Don't you hate when a movie starts out with a girl talking about how some hot guy would never date her but the whole time you just know they're going to end up together? And they try to make her look awkward even though she's fabulously beautiful because they think adding some glasses, nerdy clothes or frizzy hair will automatically make her ugly. Yeah, I'm talking to you Anne Hathaway, Mandy Moore, and Hilary Duff. In the end they always get the guy. So you just get kind of pissed off after awhile because these movies give you false hope that one day a guy will see something special in you, no matter what you look like.

Being eighteen with no dating history makes me feel like something is missing in my teenage, young adult life. Everything, and I mean everything is about love. And not even realistic love, but grandiose love that raises your expectations just to let you down. Everyone wants some guy to play music outside your window or stand up and profess his love for you on a table in the school cafeteria. But instead you get invited to prom over Facebook.

Maybe it's one of those things that you just have to experience to really understand why it's such a big deal, but for someone that's never been in love, or even close to being in love. It's just plain annoying.

"I'm not looking for a boyfriend. Just because I'm single doesn't mean I'm looking."
"Okay, okay. I just thought he was kind of cute."

Having a best friend that is always hopelessly in love with someone doesn't make it any easier. Dana has dated practically every guy in our class, even if it was unofficially. She just has that something that boys want, that they see and automatically fall for. And I'm not just talking about the fact that she's had a C cup since sixth grade. She's the kind of person that can strike up a conversation with the most awkward of guys and is always happy-go-lucky and go with the flow. Those are two sure-fire traits that boys lock on to. They hate awkward silences or high maintenance, problematic girls and that's just the kind of girl that I am. And it's not like I'm prissy, but I just have problems. Anxiety problems, that make me both awkward and crabby at times.

And normally that wouldn't be a problem if I was in a movie. In addition to my slightly reclusive nature I might have eccentric style or indie music taste. Basically, I would be a hipster. But what people don't understand is that it's expensive to be unique and quite time consuming. I don't have hours to spend to go thrift shopping or spending time on the computer looking for something that will make me stand out. It's much easier and more convenient to go to Forever Twenty One and try to pretend like there aren't a million other girls there trying to pick out Aztec prints and knee-high boots just like you. Sure it's mainstream, but it's cheap and so is listening to the radio.

If I'm not outgoing and bubbly and I'm also poor and therefore forced to fit in with the other cheap people with limited time, what's left? Will a guy like me if I'm able to name an obscure band's song while I'm in the elevator with him? How will he know that I have a good heart? Thing's aren't as easy as they seem in the movies. There aren't obvious forces of good and evil in the world, and they don't look like Kate from Lizzie McGuire. There is not always an evil cheerleader openly professing her hatred towards you and forcing you to stand out because you are just not "that kind of girl". A guy is not going to fall for me if I'm just nice. That's almost laughable. The kinds of problems that show up in the typical High School movie are really aggravating. A mean bitch like that would not be praised she would be shunned. The "popular" girls in my school are not mean or mainstream Barbies who love pink and listen to pop. A lot of them are really nice in addition to being beautiful, artsy, and one-of-a-kind with the money to buy moccasin boots and makeup to make them look naturally gorgeous.

And all this time I'm talking about how love crazy our society is and how that annoys me and I'm writing all about it in the first place. It just shows how our culture really makes everyone, especially girls, fixate on this for most of their single lives. I mean "All You Need Is Love" right ? And don't tell me the Beatles were talking about adoring your parents or your pet. It's this basic principle of deep love between two people that is involved in everything that I read, listen to or watch. But I refuse to be that one more person, or main character that's overcome by desire for her best guy friend or the Quarter Back of the Football team. There can be a story without romantic love. Can't there?

I guess there can but nobody's going to want to read it. We're all programmed to expect Happily Ever After with the guy and the girl riding off in the sunset, or some form of this. I don't think there is anything aimed at a teenage audience without a boyfriend and girlfriend. I shouldn't just wait around for Edward Cullen or Noah from the Notebook to come waltzing through my door. I should move on with my life and focus on something more reliable, something more realistic, something that will make me stop reblogging kissing pictures on Tumblr and writing love stories. Something that will keep me from wishing that a boy would text me "Good Morning" or kiss me on the forehead. Something that will keep me from dreaming about laying in someones arms or holding hands with someone. Something that will stop me from loving Taylor Swift's cheesy lyrics that I secretly don't think are that cheesy and hoping for my day to be like a fairytale. Something that will stop my mind from believing in true love when there's no clear sign of it in front of me, or near me, or even touching me.

No one knows me enough to love me and know one will want to know me in the first place. And this is what scares me and makes me worry that I'll run out of time and be left a begrudged person with no experience with intimacy. This thought makes me reevaluate my personality, my life, my actions, what's wrong with me that I've never had a boyfriend or anything close to it? And then this makes me mad because I'm even worrying about it in the first place and I shouldn't be another one of those boy crazy, love struck girls who watches chick flicks waiting for her prince charming. Maybe it's inevitable. It's in my nature, my DNA; it is so ingrained in my mind. Because the feeling I get when I listen to "Skinny Love" or "First Day of My Life" makes me want to feel the highs and lows of love. Seeing two people smile at each other or exchange a look like that makes me want that feeling. That something. That everyone else talks about. Is it too much to expect the best, should I settle for something less or should I forget about it completely? 

Mother Teresa probably never thought about this. She just went off and loved everyone else without worrying about being loved in the first place. That's what I should do. Be less selfish and not spend an hour writing something about expecting adoration. Some people just want to eat.

But maybe I'm just hungry for love.

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