Don't worry

Something that I've had trouble realizing is that one decision does not define you.
If you listen to a Justin Bieber or Avril Lavigne song that doesn't make you mainstream or put you in some specific group. If you have a one night stand that doesn't make you a slut. If you have a panic attack and stay in on a Friday night that doesn't make you a recluse loser who has no friends. People aren't so easily defined and doing something bad or risky doesn't mean you have to continue doing that. Just because someone sees you do something doesn't mean you are defined by that action. So what if you go out and act crazy but then next time you are quiet and don't feel like talking. Don't put pressure on yourself to fulfill some role you feel like you have to fulfill. If you are known as the shy girl don't feel like you can't do something loud and obnoxious sometimes because people expect you to be a certain way. Fuck people's expectations and do what you want because you have enough pressure on you as it is without the added pressure to fulfill someone else's image of you.

Everyday

use the energy you would spend on regretting, on doing something you want to do today.

use the energy for hating someone or holding a grudge to forgiving and letting go.

use the energy for worrying on being thankful for the moment and breathing in the simplicity of being.

Wrote this for myself. Need to be reminded sometimes.

The way I see it you have to be able to have fun by yourself. You have to be okay knowing you’ll be lonely sometimes. You’ll have to make the best out of situations that didn’t turn out like you hoped they would. You have to beat off jealousy and self pity because they are easy paths to sadness and not worth it at all. You have to keep yourself from sinking into hopeless daydreams as much as they satisfy you’re longings. You have to stay away from phrases like “What if I would have…”, “I wish…” Instead of wishing and fantasizing, make something happen, anything. It doesn’t have to be a huge extravaganza. Maybe just a walk in a garden with friends. Now a days we see all these lives and people that seem perfect to us on TV, in movies, on Tumblr, on Facebook, and the reality is that you will never be them. Your life will never be a storybook or a romantic comedy. It’s you. You are your life and you are beautiful and unique and one of a kind. So don’t let yourself go to waste waiting for prince charming to kiss you or Noah to write you 365 letters. We live in a time of perfect endings and carefully written characters that always know what to say and always end up madly in love. Reality is beautiful, but it’s not perfectly manicured with background music and cinematic moments. Find the beauty in YOU, in YOUR life. Sit outside and just think, soak it in, you are your own story without an audience, and that’s ok because we don’t need indie photographs to know we had a good time, we don’t need a hundred likes on our profile picture or a bunch of notes to know we are beautiful, we don’t need someone to save us from sadness, we don’t need a significant other to make us whole. We are here. This is it. Don’t wait for approval, don’t wait at all. Start being happy. 

Pistachios

My grandpa loves pistachios. Every time I went to visit him we would sit and crack them open together. He told me something I haven’t forgotten to this day. He said that the best ones were the ones that were hard to break out of their shells. He would save those for last and then go get the nutcracker to open them up. They took that extra effort but they were worth it. And now I understand he wasn’t just explaining this so I would know which nuts to eat, he was making an analogy for myself. I know I’m not easy to understand, I’m not easy to get at, I don’t warm up right away, and I can be cautious at first, but someone that cares enough to make the extra effort will get what I have to offer and they will be lucky. 

You have always been here

If you are here now, you have always been here. Everyone begins as a potential existence, the breathe of your father as he chased your mother down in the airport to tell her he loved her, the sun shining down through the clouds making your grandfather realize he needed your grandmother like the crops needed the sun, the bleeding ink in a love letter from your great grandmother to your great grandfather, the sweat, the tears, the glances of love and passion all lead to you. All of those people that happened to fall in love and to have children, all of that love has built up to you. Isn’t that a lovely thought? I know that it all wasn’t true love, it all wasn’t perfect but even the love of other people could’ve influenced something that lead to you. You are more than you. You are everything that has happened, and I like to believe you are everything that will happen too. You are such an intricate, unique combination of moments and smells and sounds so don’t ever think you are just plain old boring you. Everyone that is here today is here because of those little moments when people made decisions and they all lead to this point, where you are, just where you belong. Cherish your moments because they aren’t lost, they will help build someone else someday too. Can’t you hear her laughing? 

Guts

Why not want it all? Stop holding yourself back. Believe you can change the world, or atleast someone’s world. Stop being afraid of going broke, getting your heart broken, being judged, or feeling anxious. Don’t worry about messing up, making mistakes, failing miserably and being made fun of for having dreams that are too big for your seemingly meager circumstances. Humans are small, look at the stars up there, the sun, the moon are so far away and we are just tiny specks in the scheme of things. So why not have big thoughts and dreams? They will course through your body so hard they make you shake. That’s being alive and once you realize that you’ll feel something so powerful. Not your heart, not your mind, right there in your stomach because you’ll finally realize they are there.

Guts. 

Glowing in the dark

There’s always going to be someone who’s seventeen and on the brink of their life with a perfect body and the closet of your dreams. There will always be people you hope to be but can never become with perfect boyfriends and no worries. And I know that Hallmark cards always say this and it’s become something sappy and overused but there is only one you. You’re the only one who brought milkshakes to your friends when they were sick with letters decorated with stickers. You’re the only one who used to be scared of everything but now would bungee jump or eat some strange food without thinking twice. You’re the only one who has flying dreams over and over again but wants their super power to be invisibility. You’re the only one who writes on their hand when they get nervous or bites their hangnails when they feel uncomfortable. Maybe other people do or think these things but I guarantee that there is such a unique combination of tiny little things inside you that make you different. Maybe someone kissed your forehead on a Saturday night when you were sick and it made you feel like you were safe so you smiled and made a wish on the glow-in-the-dark stars that one day someone would make you feel like that forever. There’s a freckle on the inside of your right ring finger waiting to be discovered and map of creases on your hands that someone once read and said they indicated you would die in a car crash at 33. But you still drive over the speed limit with the music blaring and the windows down. Life isn’t the experience, you are and that’s what you need to realize. He might break it off at three in the morning leaving you in shambles with his t-shirt on but then someone else will realize that you could never be replaced. It’s hard because we all collide and overlap but we all need to know that we are our own piece of this big, confusing world and without us there could be no finished product to frame and put on the wall. 

Nothing is safe

It's like you're heading at a wall at 90 mph but the brakes are broken.
It's like you're on the edge of the cliff and your footing isn't steady.
It's not being able to control what might happen.
It's this thing coursing through your body and crippling your mind.
It's butterflies turned into bombs, exploding at any time.
It's nerves into nightmares, taking your thoughts to dark places.
Nothing is safe.

That's what it feels like when it overcomes me.
Nothing is safe, not even my own body, not even my own mind.
And how am I supposed to trust myself when this could happen at any time?
How can I trust myself when I've said "It'll be okay" a million times?
Just to see how "okay" can turn out to be my head in a toilet
Or my reflection in the mirror with terrified eyes
Begging myself not to fly away
Telling myself to stay on the ground and fight

But it gets tiring fighting yourself
It takes a toll on your emotions
On your body and your relationships
So you swallow the pills they told you to take
And you meditate with your back against the wall
The therapist tells you to stand tall

So maybe ignore it, or maybe face it
But "it" should just get the hell out of my life
Because I'm sick of it's sly little smile
Telling me that it can take what's important
And exciting and turn it into fear

But hope is the only thing stronger than fear
And it's what I've held onto
And what I'll keep holding onto
Maybe molding that fear into something
I can put on my wall and not feel scared

Why I love Taylor Swift

I remember when I first heard "Ours" and I didn't really like it. I thought it was cheesy and I had never liked songs with a country twang. But soon enough I grew to adore it because it's just one of those songs that you can't help to love, even if you have sophisticated music taste or you show disdain towards anything girly or feel-good. I have a great video of my friend and I singing to it and doing very literal hand motions. It reminds me of those nights when we made stupid videos of anything that made us laugh or songs we loved. And there is also a video of us doing a very emotional rendition of "Teardrops On My Guitar" which is a cute song that can remind anyone of a crush that they desperately wanted to notice them. It's riddled with that sappy teenage girl angst, "he's a song in the car I keep singin' don't know why I do". I guarantee everyone had a crush like this when they were fifteen or sixteen, and maybe he or she made you cry, maybe you kept liking them even though you knew it was a lost cause. The songs on her first album are country fluff and innocent pop diddies but I don't care if they might lack emotional depth and true meaning because they are the kinds of songs that you like when you're in High School and you still want to be a carefree kid and yet you're imagining yourself falling in love and boys are starting to become a bigger part of your life.

"Love Story" was my second favorite song for a long time (after "Float On" by Modest Mouse). Like every little girl, I don't care if you didn't play with dolls or you cut your Barbie's hair, you wanted to be a princess. Maybe a badass princess that fought off dragons, but every little girl wants to be that special person in someone's life. The cliche princess falling in love with a prince story is a cliche for a reason. I know I've written and imagined so many princess stories and the melody of this song is just so indescribably catchy and fun to sing, "baby just say yes". It's a versatile song that I've listened to while staring out the window on a road trip or screamed with my friends on a Friday night while we had the windows down and nothing on our minds but the darkened road in front of us. "You'll never have to be alone", those words don't have to be a boy's, to me they are my friends beside me. All of us trying to navigate being a teenage girl in the complicated web of High School and rumors and boys.

"You Belong With Me" makes me smile with the first beginning chords. I remember driving to "teen clubs" with my friends and just screaming it at the top of our lungs. "Been here all along, so why can't you see?! You belong with me!" Every girl has thought this about a boy at one point in their life. Also this song's beat is impossible to resist. If you have a heart, if you remember your youth, if you've ever danced around your room singing into a hairbrush, you know exactly the feeling that this song gives you. It's like bouncing up and down on your bed, spinning in your favorite dress, looking at your friends hair blowing in the wind and singing off-key. These songs are my memories, from a time when I had no idea who I was or what I was doing, when the world was pressing against me from all sides, and they were simple. They were these minutes of simple happiness that made me feel things that maybe I didn't on an ordinarily dull school day.

These songs might be primarily about guys, but songs like "Fifteen" explain more than falling in love. They have that edgy innocence, the feelings of naivete and heartbreak when you realize that people lie and deceive you in order to get what they want. Sure these songs made me want a boyfriend, but what doesn't these days? Taylor never promoted having boyfriends, she was simply telling her stories and even looking into the future hoping for relationships that would make her a better person.

I'm not excluding guys, because I think guys can like her music too, but obviously coming from a girl's point of view I think Taylor is singing for all of us girls. She has such a good way of putting these lyrics that seem like they are from her diary (and she writes her OWN songs so this is sort of true) into these happy, heartfelt songs that make things make sense or even if they don't make sense I feel like my own feelings have meaning. That's why Taylor is so popular, she makes you feel like she's sharing something personal and it makes you feel like you can share your stories too.

"Fearless" will never get old, every time I listen to it I want to be braver and bolder. The album with the same name is probably my favorite of them all. "Best Day" is also on this album and it is the sweetest song about childhood and the bond between mother and daughter. My mom cried listening to it, and I put it in a video of clips of my mom and I for mother's day one year. Needless to say it was hit and I watch it sometimes when I need to reminded how much I'm loved and how lucky I was to have a happy childhood. "I had the best days with you." I started liking this song around the same time I was looking into colleges and it was a nice reminder of my past and how I got to the place I was with the family I had.


"Never Grow Up" on the "Speak Now" album is a similar song, but is just generally about how the world changes you as you get older. I think the message of staying young and not rushing into being an adult is important these days when I feel like the ages for doing adult things become younger and younger. "Enchanted" is one of my favorites from this album, it's about that first meeting between two people and how that connection can be instant. This album is more contemplative and not as peppy but it was still a nice accompaniment through my last remnants of High School. My senior quote was actually from "Innocent", "Today is never too late to be brand new". I think it's such a nice idea, because going through High School we are so scared of making mistakes, but we are going to, it's a given. So much pressure is put on us, we are supposed to figure out our whole lives, and we're seen as almost-adults but were so confused. We do stupid things and we don't take chances or we take paths that lead us away from who we really are, and sometimes we can't help to think "Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything and everybody believed in you?" "Lost your balance on a tightrope, but it's never too late to get it back".

Taylor's newest album "Red" shows her maturity, it shows her growth and her versatility. Even though my friends and I are older we still rock out to her songs like teenage girls. We can still unload those feelings of pent up emotion and frustration about all the things in our lives that are still so similar to High School (because face it people in college are not much more mature). All the people who have started to hate her lately because it's a cool fad, and "she's not country!" or "she dates so many people!" (btw this does not make her slut you don't know about her sex life), or "she's so annoying!" Yes, I don't know her personally but I do know that she is independent (writes her own music etc), she gives a good image which is hard to find these days, and everyone who says they hate her music are the ones who are dancing around their rooms with it blasting in their earbuds, or they should be because I think it would lighten them up a little bit. It's not a guilty pleasure because I don't think you need to feel guilty. It's wholesome goodness that I'm not ashamed to love.

I have friends who have gotten through breakups with her music, who have used it to battle their illness, and I know I have personally used it as a mood elevator. It has made me feel better so many times and it's brought me together with friends and brought myself happiness. "22" is that song basically saying "screw everyone and dance with your friends" which is a good motto going through your twenties because sometimes everything is just so tangled up and messed up and pressures on a different kind of way than in your teens. But turning on Taylor Swift always makes me feel like I'm riding in the car with my best friends and we don't care about our destination, but just the wind in our faces and the music blasting. Her music will always make me think of dancing around my childhood bedroom forgetting about my anxiety, or college apps or stupid crushes. It makes me feel like "everything will be alright if we just keep dancing" and it's that cheesy escape that every girl (or guy) needs sometimes. There's a time and place for Bon Iver or other artists with complex emotions, but his songs are all about "Emma" right? 

Whether she's writing a song about a little boy who died of cancer, "Ronan" or a song for "Hunger Games" about war and tragedy, she has other songs besides the ones about guys.

Now I'm going to go listen to "I Knew You Were Trouble" and forget about my two tests and paper for a little while. You should try it, cause Taylor can be a cure for those Sunday Blues.

~~Rachael

Advice if someone with anxiety/depression/another mental disorder opens up to you

If someone opens up to you about their problems with their mental disorder IT IS REALLY FUCKING HARD FOR THEM. Please realize this and don't see it as a burden, look at it as flattery because they trust you. They trust you enough to let you see into their mind and the see the vulnerable parts of their mind no less. I have learned from talking to many friends and family about my own problems and their responses and I know what is good to hear and what really sucks. So I just thought I would share my thoughts.

1. ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR PAIN. Don't brush it away, do not say "oh you'll get over it" or "that doesn't sound too bad". This is a big deal for them and they want you to see that it is important and that they have a right to feel the way they do. It's not even that they have a right to feel the way they do, they are FORCED to feel that way. And many people with mental disorders probably do not go about it the right way but they did not choose this. Even saying, "Omg that sucks," is not a bad thing to say. We want to feel like you understand we're going through a tough time.

2. Let them know that it is NOT embarrassing. Mental disorders have a huge stigma and I have struggled with this for a long time. I have always been embarrassed about the anxiety that I have felt and this has made it exponentially worse. Just like it is not someone's fault if they lose a leg and can't walk properly, it is not someone's fault if the serotonin levels are off in their brain and they cannot socialize properly. Do not judge them, and it would be super helpful if you said that "it's normal to feel this way" or "well just know that i'll never judge you if you have to leave during a party". This will take a huge load off of our shoulders, trust me. The best response I've gotten when I was having a panic attack was "Don't you dare be embarrassed, this is not embarrassing and it's okay."

3. Do not say to "get over it", or "you're overreacting", "that's ridiculous", or tell them to just do whatever they can't do, "just be happy", "just calm down". THIS IS COMPLETELY UNHELPFUL AND WE ALREADY FUCKING REALIZE THAT WE NEED TO GET OVER IT BUT WE CAN'T. Sorry for the caps but this is by far the worst thing you could say to somebody. If we could get over it, we would've already. We can't and we are reaching out because we cannot try alone anymore, or we can't keep hiding it from you. Trust me if I could just calm down and be a chill person who never panicked or got anxious I WOULD. Nobody wants to feel the feelings that come along with any mental disorder so don't you dare tell us to "get over it" because holy balls we would if we could OK.

4. In response to number 3. There are things that you can suggest. Therapy is a huge one. It also has a stigma but a great podcast lately has revealed that it doesn't need to be-- Slate's Meltdown U. It just makes you realize how common mental disorders are and that going to a counselor/therapist is totally normal. I'm sure some of your friends have gone but you just don't know. Suggest helping them find a counselor in the area or at the university (if you're at one). Checking up on them and making sure they are looking into it will be really helpful.

5. Don't treat them any differently after they tell you about their struggles. Except for being extra understanding about some situations that can arise, and knowing that they want to hang out with you or do things that you want them to do but they just might have to go about it in a different way. Keep inviting them to things but give them an escape route so they don't feel trapped, like in social situations tell them that you'll leave with them early if they feel anxious or they can go to the bathroom to calm down. Realize that they need to take small steps and encourage them and congratulate them for taking those small steps. Not like a little kid or a dog, but say they join a club but they have social anxiety and they go to meetings, be like "that's really great that you're doing that". We very rarely get rewarded for our mental obstacles because they seem trivial to those who don't understand but they are a big deal to us and it can be nice to be told that we're doing well. Just like a therapist encourages their patient after they take a step or stand up, we sometimes like things like that.

6. No pity.

7. Just generally try to be understanding. Don't try to fix everything or suggest a million ideas. We just want to be understood, isn't that what everyone wants? We also don't want to feel like we are bothering you or making you uncomfortable so let us know if you are open to talking about it. Bring it up in conversation, "How's your anxiety?" It's actually nice to know that you care enough to ask and it'll be nice to unload for a little. It also makes our anxiety (or other problems) seem like they are normal, like a breakup or a broken leg. It'll make us realize it's not a huge secret we need to hide and be ashamed of. Sometimes it can be a lot though, depending on the situation, so I know there is a line between knowing too much and not knowing anything. But most people feel like they can't talk about it and try to hide it, so talking about it is usually a good thing and suggesting a conversation about it lets us know that you don't mind talking about it.

8. We are more than our problems. Our problems can sometimes overcome us and seem to be consuming our personalities at times but we are firstly your friend, or sibling, or daughter, or son and we are that person even with these struggles.

I know it's sometimes hard to know what to say or do, but trying to put yourself in our place or relating it to a struggle you've had will help you realize how to handle it. Listening is always good.

I'll end with one of my favorite quotes:

"The fact that you're struggling doesn't make you a burden. It doesn't make you unloveable or undesirable or undeserving of care. It doesn't make you too much or too sensitive or too needy. It makes you human. Everyone struggles. Everyone has a difficult time coping, and at times, we fall apart. During these times, we aren't always easy to be around--and that's okay. No one is easy to be around one hundred percent of the time. Yes, you may sometimes be unpleasant or difficult. And yes, you may sometimes do or say things that make the people around you feel helpless or sad. But those things aren't all of who you are and they certainly don't discount your worth as a human being. The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved. You can be difficult and still be cared for. You can be less than perfect, and still be deserving of compassion and kindness." -Daniell Koepke

I'd also like to add that you can still be a badass bitch. So just saying.

Love you all!

~~Rachael

Part V: Inside Outside Everywhere

There’s something small inside me

He’s growing everyday and it scares

Me that he is fragile just like you

And he won’t have your name

Because that’s yours and he’ll

Be someone new but

His bedtime stories

Will have you as the hero

Defeating evil and living

In his mind like a

Legend that you never

Got to become, but

You will be here with

Him when I tell the same

Riddles and kiss him on

His sweaty, feverish forehead

Late at night, like I did to

You when mom told you

To go back to bed and

You know she never meant

To be mean but she wanted

You to be ready to live

On your own but maybe

It’s good that the world

Never broke you and

I’m so scared it’ll break him

And that he’ll outgrow you

Not that I want the same

Ending for him that you

Had in your life but if

He outgrows you he will

Outgrow my expectations

For little boys and I know

That I’m not naming him

After you but I want him

To be like you, in a

Different way but not too

Different because his feet will

One day be the same size as yours

Were the day when dad had to

Take your shoes off and he put

Them away neatly even though

He knew you would never

Wear them again and one

Day he’ll be exactly the same

Age down to the seconds

Of when you left us

And then he might surpass

You and I’ll just wonder

The whole time why he got

To live on and you didn’t

Not in a bad sort of way

But in a way that just makes

Me want all little boys

To get bigger feet and outgrow

Their clothes and to stop

Wetting the bed and he

Might get older than you and

Taller than the pencil mark

On the old kitchen entry way

So I can’t carry him around

Like I carry you in my head

It’s just not supposed to be

This way and I wish I knew

Why it was this way so

I could tell him why his

Uncle died the night we

Were supposed to go

Get ice cream and see

A movie and play Monopoly

With his favorite red shoes

On and why I couldn’t

Have saved him and

Let him have the rest

Of his life like I’m

Giving this life to the

Stranger in my stomach

Why can I give without

Trying but I couldn’t try

Hard enough to give you

My hand as you slipped down

And fell and your hand was

Little like his will be in mine

Like it was supposed to be

Yours in mine that time

In the woods with the sound

Of the rushing water

Telling me that life

Was going by in the face

Of yours stopping

And after seeing that

Replay over and over

One day I’ll see new life

Instead of death replay

And maybe

It’ll begin again

Part IV: Looking up

    Everything was different after you died and I’m afraid I can’t remember exactly what it was like while you were alive. Mom and Dad tell me I’ve gotten some stories wrong and I can’t make out clear pictures of certain memories. Maybe I should’ve written it all down right after you died when my memory was freshest. I should’ve typed up a detailed report of your life but I was only eleven and I still would’ve forgotten details. How do you put a person on paper? How can you possibly do that?

            I can’t come to terms with the fact that I might forget some parts of you. Whoever said it gets easier was wrong because it doesn’t and thirteen years later I still want you here even if you were bitter about life and never made jokes. It just kills me that I’ll never know who you would’ve become. And I’ve been waiting around for you. I still do it even though I understand the reality of death by now. Well, actually I don’t think I’ll ever understand it, but I know that people die everyday and they never come back. The world doesn’t stop, the newspaper still keeps coming and people still laugh like it doesn’t matter to them that you died. They used to make me mad. Like the sound of their laughing was directed at you and in a weird way I’m disappointed that I’ve stopped with all of my habits. I’ve given up in a way, but mostly given up on myself.

            I wonder if you would like my boyfriend. I don’t think you would because you were always so jealous of my male friends and wanted to be the only boy in my life. You are and you always will be don’t worry. We don’t really care too much about each other, this guy and me. Were both just lonely and we’ve both lost someone close to us. So I guess that’s why we can’t care about each other. Nothing’s forever and I wish I would’ve known that before you got taken away from me. When everything was changing around me you were the only one I could count on. I guess I can still count on you, just in a different sort of way.

Part III: Landed on the stars

             I can’t believe what I did last night. I can’t even write it down it’s so vile but it’s what girls my age do and what boys our age persuade us to do. I don’t think you would make girls do things like that for you, though. I know that when someone dies, so young especially, we all make them out to be such perfect angels even when maybe they weren’t and maybe you would’ve lost your innocence and been corrupted by the vulgar boys on the bus. Maybe you would’ve figured out why our cousin stopped showing up at Thanksgiving and the reason mom and dad didn’t let us watch the news. I guess I’m torn between wanting you here with me and being glad the pain is over and that no one will ever break your heart and the world you had in your mind won’t be torn apart. Mine was, and even more so after you left because my world always had you in it.

            Don’t worry though it wasn’t your fault for my world being destroyed. I guess it was the world’s fault, for being how it is. Just know that sometimes the only reason I smile is because if you are watching from somewhere I don’t want you to feel bad for your absence making me sad. You need to know you didn’t leave me with darkness. I kept, and am still keeping so much light from you that I try to give to others but sometimes I selfishly take a bunch for myself.

I know that I can’t change when or how you left because it’s yours. Just like the color of your eyes, hazel, and the freckles on your nose, seven. It was your departure and it’s part of you, the you that will forever be you.

            I don’t know if you’ve grown up or if you still can’t do multiplication. I don’t know if you read those gross magazines that boys hide under their mattresses. I just wish I knew. I hope when we meet again somehow it’ll just be like it was before and maybe I’ll get my innocence back and you’ll still have yours. We can look at the stars and still think one day we’ll climb high enough to pick them like apples and we’ll carry out our plan to save the world. I hope you still fit in the batman costume. I’ll wear your red cape.

Part II: Floating

You probably still wonder why that man killed the dog

That one night we were on a hiking path in the woods

And he just kept beating it until it stopped making squealing noises

Mom and Dad told you he was sick and on drugs that made him mad

But you still wondered sometimes why someone would do that

And why there were little boys who were just like you, but so hungry and sad

You wrote to Santa telling him to take the cookies to feed them and

The toys for them to smile even though there would be none for you

When you got older you wanted to travel the world and climb giant rocks

You loved everything big and stuff that took you closer to the sky

If you got old enough you would find a girl and she would be lucky

Because once you loved someone they were all yours

You would protect them against anyone and shield

Them from the terrors that they cry about at night

You always had thoughts about the world and I wonder

If you were still here what you would be learning in school

In my science class my teacher told us that there is this thing called

Potential energy and if a ball is at the top of the slide it

Has so much potential energy even though it’s just sitting there

It hasn’t gone down the slide but it still has something

So I asked her that since you never grew up if that energy

Was still floating around somewhere or where it went

And she looked at me strangely not knowing what to

Say because most people don’t when I bring you up

Except to say sorry but that’s not what I wanted to hear

And so I stopped her in the middle and said that energy

Was neither created nor destroyed so how could my

Brother’s energy be destroyed.

It couldn’t, could it?

She asked Jen to take me to the office but I said I

Didn’t do anything wrong and I just needed to know

If it was still out there because maybe I could find it

And put it in a jar and keep it on my shelf and maybe

You would still be with us sometimes instead of

Your ashes in an urn on the cabinet that only make

Us all feel sad and depleted your energy could

Lift us all up and maybe make us fly

Part I: Misplaced

           Sometimes when no one is around I sit and say your name out loud.

I heard a quote by a guy Banksy that says you die twice, one time when you stop breathing and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last time. You have already stopped breathing and I can’t fathom the fact that one-day people will stop saying your name. Your name sounds strange as it comes out of my mouth. Sometimes I whisper it under the covers. Other times I yell it so loud that I’m sure you’ll be able to hear from wherever you are and come running with that mischievous grin that is seared in my mind like a permanent stamp.

I hope that the names add up like the points on the pinball machine we played around with in the general store down the street. They will stay in the air and people will hear your name in the wind whistling by their ears, or behind the water fall where you thought the world would never hurt you. Once I’m gone, once everyone that ever knew you is gone, you will still have to be here because I don’t think people disappear, I don’t think thoughts or words disappear. Once something is here it has to exist forever. Things change. You changed invisible and silent but you’re not gone. Things don’t go and stop being. They go and they are somewhere else.

You held my hand that one time when dad was yelling at us for spilling the paint and I can still feel it against mine. You told me you’d never leave my side and it eased my sobs after I ran under the porch when the kids at school made fun of my new haircut. Those words spoken through the wooden gate that cold winter morning when we were fighting still hurt because I knew I shouldn’t have pushed you off the sled. Those things are still here in my mind, and you’re name is always on the tip of my tongue. So you must not be far behind. When I go out in our favorite field I know that you’re tagging along with Grandpa’s dog and you’re yelling at me to slow down but I just can’t hear you.

I sure wish you would listen when I yelled “olly olly oxen free” but I know that you have such a great hiding spot and you’re just waiting for me to find you and see how cool it is. I’ll see you one of these days, your messy curls peaking out from behind the hydrangea bush in Mrs. Wallman’s yard or I’ll hear a whimper as you scratch your knee climbing the Gingko tree behind the garage. I’ll be annoyed at first but then you’ll do something funny and my face will break out in a smile. Nobody can make me burst with laughter like you. I’m sick of feeling like I’m going to burst from sobbing.

You can’t die twice because losing you once was hard enough. The world needs you, any bit of you that I can put out there. Hearing your name might not remind people of ice cream covered faces and trains on the floor, it might not make them feel nostalgic for the feeling of fresh independence that came with exploring the woods by our uncle’s cabin but it’ll mean that you’re still here. Mom told me she named you after her grandfather but when I saw a picture of him he didn’t look like he had smiled a day in his life. Your name is full of something I can’t even describe and it belongs to you and not the old man in that faded photograph. And it definitely doesn’t belong to the boy in my class who pushes kids at recess.

When I say your name I think of your face and the weird noise your nose made when you slept and the dirt under your nails. I think of the way your footsteps sounded as you walked down the hall to mom and dad’s room and how you changed your voice when you played with army men. Maybe if people hear it they will know that it’s your name and maybe it’ll be laced with laughter and happiness and they will want to make someone smile instead of cry. And it’ll be because of you.

I’ll never stop looking for you or saying your name. I’ll never stop listening for you outside the shed and looking down the back hill where your tree fort used to be. Dad says that it’ll be easier to deal with this if I stopped doing these things but stopping them means I don’t have to do anything for you anymore and that the things in your room belong to a stranger. It means there’s no one to share the blanket with on the fourth of July and no one to sneak food to Marley under the table. It means that no one will understand me while I’m brushing my teeth and there will be no one to eat the cherry popsicles in the freezer. They’ll just sit there all summer long.

God will understand if you come back home. You don’t belong with him and he probably doesn’t even know how to start a thumb war or do Indian burns. He doesn’t know your favorite cereal or that you like thunder but not lightning. Come home before dinner because mom doesn’t like you riding your bike after dark.

You still make me feel worried and annoyed and loved and safe. You still make people feel things from wherever you are and when the adults told me at the wake that they were sorry for my loss I just told them that you’re not lost and you always end up coming back home eventually. They all looked at me funny like I tried to make a sick joke but I didn’t. The train tracks lead you right back from almost anywhere. You’ll come home and when you do make sure you wipe your feet on the front mat because the mud stains are still on the rug by the bookcase and sometimes Mom cries telling me that she shouldn’t have spanked you for that.

I’ll try to do everything I can to make the world know you’re still here but as much as I practice in the mirror I can’t make the smile that you always put on when I was sad and made me feel like everything was okay.

It’d be nice if other people could see that smile too.

So one more time, come out, come out wherever you are.

Concave

Whenever she ate peanut butter

She thought of the allergic kids

In her class who didn’t taste it

And as she played freeze tag

Out under the stars she

Thought of the girl she saw

At the hospital stuck in a

Chair and breathing fake air

Even when she didn’t know

Someone unable to do the

Things in her life she figured

There was someone somewhere

Unable to shower in peace

Or hold hands with a boy

Her moments became wishes

For friends and strangers

Her life didn’t form her, it

Corroded her, as she learned

More about sad people

She knew less about herself

And when a man fell in love

With her she told him you’re

Not in love with me, you’re

In love with the absence of

Everyone else’s happiness, the

Hope that’s been lost and

The dreams built up and

Squandered somewhere out there

Everything I hold does not

Belong to me and if you

Want the world’s wastewaters

Then taste my lips

He responded with care

Saying that he knew what

She held inside and if that

Meant that he was in love

With an old man’s tears

Over a life he didn’t want

Or a family that a woman

Never got to have or

The poems not written or

Song’s not sung then that’s

What he loved and he loved

Every single forgotten

Teddy bear in her closet and

Every love-me-not

Petal that was in her hair.

The withered and decayed,

Ugly and depressed,

Everything without rest.

Bags under eyes and dirt under

Nails, these things weren’t

Terrible anymore, they weren’t

Lost, he had found them and

Now when he brushed her hair

Back or stroked her arm

The goosebumps were signs

That she could feel what

She had right then, and

Even though she was filled up

Bent in and overturned like a rock

He could see the ways to

Move her in the wind.

I think jealousy is the worst emotion

           There is a reason why people say jealousy is an ugly quality. It’s looked down upon which only adds to the misery when you feel jealous. You get two feelings for the price of one, the guilt curdles in your stomach with the envy and makes you feel heavy and like you might explode at the same time. There’s no way to release it. When you’re sad and you cry or when your mad and you just throw stuff around your room some of the feeling leaves you. Jealousy has no way out. It’s like a lost child in a maze, running around, not knowing where to go or what to feel.

The sadness and anger mix in such a way that you can’t unmix them. You don’t know whether to sob or scream, and deep down you know that neither or them will help. You can’t have what you want, whether it’s a person or a situation or a glance. It’s not an easy thing to feel. It doesn’t come in waves or boils up and over. It slices your insides, so you’re bleeding but can’t put a band-aid on it. It steals your breath and cripples your body. Somebody else is feeling what you so desperately want to feel and there’s no way you can be in his or her place. They have it and you don’t.
So sure it’s an ugly quality to have. It’s a hideous thing that attaches itself to you like a parasite and drains you like a leech. But I don’t look down on jealous people. They don’t feel like they are enough, that they have enough and that’s probably the saddest thing a person can feel. I want to hug them and tell them that what they have is okay, that what comes will come, that the fights worth fighting for will be fought and maybe it won’t end up in their favor but it’ll take them on a journey. Jealousy will propel you somewhere and you just have to steer it the right way. I think that’s the thing about jealousy, it doesn’t come out on it’s own, it has to be told. It might be a wrestling match but you’ll beat it into submission, you’ll put some spices on it, you’ll turn into something that tastes okay.

Secrets

                I hate secrets. I hate having things bottled up inside of me that I can’t let go. And maybe these secrets aren’t really secrets. Maybe they’re feelings and experiences and things that I just don’t know how to put into words. Maybe they are internal scars that don’t make sense, that don’t even make sense to me. And how can I hide them in front of people who get close enough to see into my eyes, to see that what I say isn’t matching up to the expression on my face, to the way I wring my hands and tap my feet. It’s like my body is trying to release things that get piled up but if they come out then maybe everything will explode. Then maybe the person looking into my eyes will be blown light years away and I’ll feel empty. Sometimes things leave your mouth making you feel better but other times you feel worse. You feel like you should’ve held it in longer, tucked it away somewhere, hid it further in the depths of your mind.

Poem I wrote for the victims of the Newtown shooting

It refers to the pictures that were released of the children and some short descriptions I found online.

I don’t know why it happened

I don’t know why anything happens

So cruel, so completely ruthlessly evil

All I do know is how beautiful they are

Freckles and wrinkled nose, about to laugh

Catherine could make you smile, I can just tell

Taken far too soon, ripped from the love

Here they stood, so oblivious to the cruelness

In this world, everything was a fairytale and

Heroes always beat the villains

But Chase, that face could outshine

Any darkness as you cuddled him close.

Little hands, little feet, little ears,

No monsters under the bed,

They’re all out here.

Scaring them away with her bright light,

Ana’s energy radiates from her eyes,

I imagine her singing, or splashing in puddles.

So gorgeous, so full of life, but why

Would someone come and make

Everyone feel so empty from

This tragedy and how can we fix

Anything when these children

Are gone.

There’s something I can see,

In James, a brave soul, able

To be friends with anyone because

He thinks the best of the world.

Just like Grace, her blonde hair

Pinned back with a pink bow

And a knowing smile on her face,

She’s so sure, that the heart of

Humanity is good.

The love that lifts her up,

That lifts all of these children up.

Is not lost. It can’t be.

They are not here,

But they are not lost.

Still here, forever the smiles

Work into our minds.

Making us love harder,

Trying harder to be like a child.

So delighted,

His bright blue eyes look

Right into mine, Dylan is

Saying to smile too,

Because he doesn’t know why

You wouldn’t.

We know, we know

The deep, dark evils of this world,

How they can tear out our hearts,

Sharply ending something,

That barely got to begin.

And robbing parents of their angels,

Unfairly keeping Charlotte from

Giggling and dressing up in silly

Outfits because there are worlds

Of make believe unknowable to

Adults, and these lovely minds

Were full of imagination and

We have to ‘imagine’

A world where John Lennon’s

Words ring true.

That is the world worthy

Of Emilie’s cherub face,

Her cheeks kissable and hugs

Unlike anything making

You feel truly important

Because the love for a child

Is what we know is always right,

So this is so completely wrong.

Nothing like this could happen

When these children are saying

Things in a different language,

Mastering things so amazing

For someone so young.

Taking care of sisters.

Teaching, and learning,

Ready to go for the day

Daniel would grin with

Those two teeth missing,

Still kissing his father

Goodbye, because love

Comes before pride, or greed

Or hate. These little

People are all full of love,

Wearing wings,

Olivia could carry that role perfectly,

Her face as stunning as a rose,

No thorns, just petals,

Bringing joy, just as all

These children did.

Because innocence is not blind,

It is purple, Josephine’s favorite

Color, and it’s setting up lemonade

Stands, riding bikes, and wearing,

Bright, flowered dresses.

Madeleine holds her favorite

Book, and she is determined to finish

It, her eyes sparkling as she looks

Up with accomplishment,

Like sunshine,

And tall grass, horses wild,

And free like Jesse and his zest

For life is contagious,

Neighbors hearing him having fun,

And smiling to themselves,

Because everything they do

Is so pure and good,

Like Jack’s full support

Of the New York Giants,

Because he saw some tough

Guys, some guys like him,

Who are strong and sweet, like

Noah saying ‘Not as much as

I love you’, and holding

Hands with his twin sister.

Wives, husbands, fathers, mothers,

Doctors, teachers, and good people,

These children would’ve certainly

Become, but their love and lives,

Will continue to affect many,

Making wonderful things happen

That we cannot imagine,

And inspiring people to be like

Caroline, so generous and

Goodhearted, her eyelashes so long,

And her body always on the move,

Soaking up life.

Jessica, blue eyes, and thoughtful

Disposition, drawing horses,

With much care, and making

One for the fridge at home,

Her little brother and her parents,

Drawn under clouds and with flowers.

Curly, brunette hair, and

A wiggly tooth, Avielle

Wanted an easy bake oven

To make cookies for her mom,

Always thinking of others,

Pink cowboy boots, not

Brown, eyes, and the sweetest face,

Love for life, Benjamin

Made you feel the bass,

As you dance along to your

Favorite song,

Seeing his spirit big and strong.

Small hands in the garden,

Allison tended to the flowers

As lovely and sweet as her,

Humming a song, not

A care in the world,

It’s not fair

That we can’t hear

What they say, or sing, or yell,

Anymore, that they cannot

Hug, or kiss or touch,

But their spirits can still bring

Tremendous joy, happiness, love

And that can never be

Taken away.

He could be nothing to me

Excerpt from a story I haven't even written yet

A line of blood was dripping from where the man had scratched at my face. It led from my left nostril down my lips and chin, the blood continuing down my neck. Tears were beginning to brim as I left the room, and I almost ran into him as he was leaving an office on the second floor. Shocked, I immediately covered my face but it was too late and his eyes widened in panic.

            “Jesus, what happened to you? Who did that?” This is not what I needed right now. It was easy to be strong in front of people that I hated, but for him I was always ready to break down, to open up, to let him in. But I couldn’t, if I wanted to protect him he could know nothing, he could be nothing to me.

            “I just cut myself,” I mumbled, not making a very good excuse and somewhat subconsciously changing my voice to a meeker, more timid version of my normal, no-nonsense tone. He led me to the window bench at the end of the hall and pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket, only he would still carry something like that around. I tried not to smile as his face became very concentrated and concerned; the look of genuine distress pulled my heartstrings so tight it hurt. Quickly I grabbed the cloth from him and remained serious.

            “I’m fine, really.”

            “Okay,” he was taken back, a little hurt. I was hurting him, and that’s the last thing I wanted to do. But I used my reputation, my shell, the hard exterior that I had built up over these years, to shield him and therefore keep him away from everything that came with me and my messed up life.

            “But I know that you didn’t cut yourself, you looked scared when you left that room, what happened? Come on, we’re friends now remember?” Don’t do it, don’t give in to those deep set eyes and the little furrows on his forehead, and don’t you dare look at his hands, the calluses and hangnails that were just begging to be discovered, to be grabbed and touched. I imagined him finding out and how it would change everything for him, how it would crush him like a bug and they would know. They would know that he knew and that would be the end of it. He would be in too deep, there was no dipping in to test the temperature, if he stuck his toe in, his whole body would get the effect.

            “Yeah there was a bird loose and I was helping Firenze catch it. I’ve always been scared of birds. But you should get back to work, you weren’t hired to take care of me, that’s what the servants are for.” My voice didn’t break, but it felt like my heart was about to. He nodded firmly and left without another word.

            

Fingertips

It was remembering what it felt like to have my face against his neck, feeling our skins touching, and my smooth to his scruffy. It ignited this feeling in the pit of my stomach causing me to inhale and try to smell his scent as if it would be wafting through the room at the mere recollection of his presence.

It was remembering the wetness of our kisses and the feeling of his lips against mine, just that feeling isolated in time and space, no picture to accompany it but just that strange indescribable meshing of slippery projections sliding over each other trying to feel something that couldn’t be felt with fingertips.

Growing up

It’s a miracle that someone can physically be here. There are so many things that can happen at birth; even before birth the chances of things going wrong are innumerable. Even before our parents were born, before our grandparents were born, there was even less of a chance of survival. Yet we are here, breathing, alive.


Sometimes, even more of a miracle is how we survive mentally. I guess some people are more delicate than others and have more innocence but the world can break you mentally just as much as it can physically. Especially now, with information traveling so fast we get all kinds of tragedy forced upon us daily. When I was really little my world was built neatly around me, I was lucky to have such strong love surrounding me like walls. My preschool years went well, learning to draw rainbows and boys kissing my cheeks innocently. It was entering grade school that rocked my world.


Kindergarten and first grade I had strict teachers that really disciplined me and reined in my free spirit. It wasn’t as laid back as preschool, and I was getting older. I think that subconsciously I could tell that I wasn’t allowed to be a little kid as much as I was before. Even though I kept using sippy cups and still pretended to be a baby sometimes, I also had a uniform and had to sit still in class and do Phonics. In first grade I had my first experience with anxiety, which sent me into a whirlwind of sickness and crying fits every night. I said I was done with school.


From this I moved on to being scared of illnesses, the ones I heard about in the news and the stories my friends would tell me about kids dying. Even to the point where I was scared of my shoes because of the potential germs on them. Sometimes I couldn’t sleep because I thought I was going to die. September 11th struck in third grade and evil like this was just unbelievable to me. I started washing my hands a lot until they bled. I was scared of wetting the bed at sleepovers and had anxiety, which sometimes sent me crying to call my parents.


I was in my prime in the middle grades, playing elaborate games of pretend, traveling to islands, being lions or strange children with sharp teeth, getting involved in silly drama which sometimes involved instant messaging or ditching people on the playground. I wasn’t that scared then. I played soccer, volleyball, acted in the play, was in band and had plenty of friends. The tragedy is my cat running away, my friend moving away, my friend switching schools. I try to resist getting older. I wear ripped jean shorts and red converse climbing the back hill and running on the railroad tracks but soon my playmates buy bras and they want to look like the girls on TV. So I follow because I know the social scene well, you need to fit in or else you get left behind, you stand in corners at recess with your hair over your eyes or you get made fun of. We need to have certain clothes and bags and we need to get good grades, we need to behave, follow the rules, tuck in our shirts and grow up. Learn about growing up. Get into a high school. Get good grades so we can get into a college. Pick a major that will get you a job when you are out of college so that you can buy a house and pay for mortgage and have kids and make them tuck in their shirts too.


That’s when I fell apart again, sophomore year of High School. There were too many things I was dying of, and I couldn’t breathe. My friends were confused. I was confused. I clung to my dad even though I was too old to be scared of the dark. Even though I was too old to wake up and walk into his office scared and curl up on his lap. It wasn’t the monsters anymore. It was my own mind sending me swirling and twirling so I couldn’t sleep. And I took a bath instead of going to the movies and I left school because I had a panic attack in math class. There was a lady that told me I had OCD and my brain was sending messages to my mind and she drew out a picture of my head but I didn’t know how to fix myself and she didn’t seem sincere. I didn’t like that place, it felt cold and it was embarrassing. I told myself to stop being afraid of dying but then one night I didn’t sleep and insomnia followed me around like a stray cat begging to be noticed at times and leaving me so unbearably frustrated and tired. So tired. It was torture listening to people breathe those sleep sounds while I was completely and utterly awake. The worst feeling is the next morning when you are completely drained and don’t feel like going on with life feeling like a zombie.


This followed me around along with some anxiety, which caused me to hide. It was better to hide than be seen as weak. There were too many things to worry about in High School. I don’t know how I did it. I would go to school and then soccer practice all on zero sleep. It was torturous sometimes. Friends and boys and grades and that awkward parent-child relationship filled with guilt and embarrassment. And then there was the world around my bubble that sometimes came crashing in like when I learned about sex slavery and I broke down in my shower. I sobbed for them because they couldn’t feel safe in the shower, they didn’t have any respite. I was helpless.


All this information was flooding my mind all the time. TV shows, and magazines, from my friends and on Facebook. Death, disease, murder, torture, and I felt a little bit of that pain every time I heard about it. I stored the pain away in the back of my mind but I didn’t know what to do with it.

Not shocking

I don’t have a shocking story for you. Nothing about my life or me is shocking. And I’m okay with that. I’m trying to be okay with that. I’m not darkly mysterious or beautifully broken. My pain is ordinary and boring, it’s dull and I can’t show you any scars from it. If you ask me why I go to therapy I won’t give you an intense stare and say, “I’m really fucked up”. Because I’m not, I’m just another person with unbalanced levels of something in my brain; just another diagnosis in a psychology journal and my past doesn’t illicit gasps or widened eyes.

My therapist asked me what my earliest childhood memory was and I didn’t really have anything particular to say. My childhood was a happy one, simple and happy and I have no qualms about that. I’m beyond lucky for everything I have and the life I’ve been given. I told her that I just had several memories from preschool, no single one stood out to me. She found this perplexing because of my anxiety. “Most people with these problems have usually had a traumatic event happen early in their life”. She asked me if I had any reoccurring dreams. And I told her no. She was confused further.

And I could have made something up I suppose. I could’ve grabbed something from one of the many dramatic TV show episodes that I’ve seen or a newspaper headline. Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot of compassion for the people who bad things happen to, who are exposed to terrible things as children, who hear screaming instead of  lullabies. But what I have realized is that lately we only care about things that are appalling or outrageous. The news stuffs it down our throats and so does the media. Cliché as these references are, it’s true. And I know I’ve been affected by it. I see myself looking for a piece of juicy gossip I can reveal so that my friends are shocked or trying to find a heart-wrenching video to share.

I don’t discount the sad and strange but it shouldn’t make you discount me. It shouldn’t make you discount those people who aren’t recognized, who suffer in silence without a camera in their face. It shouldn’t make you say “People have it worse”. It shouldn’t make people compete for who has suffered more because suffering is not a measurable or comparable quantity. It’s not something you wave in someone’s face or hold above their head. It’s the feeling you have sitting on the cold bathroom floor after puking up your meal from 3 minutes ago because of your anxiety. It’s the feeling of wanting to disappear or runaway, shaking so hard and breathing into a paper bag. These scenes are not poetic or striking, they are just simply moments, not ones that are anything extraordinary. Often when I’m in the most distress I’m just sitting there, with hurricanes of anxiety ripping through my insides. Day-to-day struggles, moments when I can’t finish my sandwich or I can’t stop pacing in my bedroom are tough for me and I wouldn’t wish them on anybody. I don’t hold them as coveted secrets excited to reveal them to a captive audience, and I am still trying to accept them as part of me. I’m still trying to wish them away.

My life would make a very boring Hollywood movie but I think more people could relate to it than the storylines that are being repeated over and over with different attractive leads. I wouldn’t want to watch my movie either, or my father’s movie, or my mother’s, or even my grandmother’s, but they are my heroes for their strength through the everyday tasks that wear away at your nerves or test your patience. The long drive my dad makes to his job everyday when he’s tired, or the nervousness he gets in meetings or talks with his boss. A lot of our struggles are all tangled up inside and they’re invisible to the untrained eye but they have just as much value as the ones acted out on Grey’s Anatomy.

So my story isn’t shocking and chances are yours isn’t either. There are millions of other ones just like it. But it still matters. It’s still important. And I don’t want pity, I don’t want your jaw to drop or you to tear up and share it on your Facebook page because it’s likely you won’t. My story isn’t an inspirational story of recovery or a sad story of hopelessness but it’s mine. We aren’t news stories or movie scripts but I’m not looking for the next big Internet meme. I’m looking to become stronger and more confident and that’s a big deal for me. I guess I’m just saying we should have more compassion for each other, and we should realize that the “normal” people aren’t really “normal”, we aren’t just the background characters. We have our own stories with just as much value and richness as the ones on US Weekly. Our goals may seem small but they are much bigger than you realize. Just remember there are other people who matter that aren’t on display.

A Lonely, Hopelessly Romantic Eighteen Year Old Girl's Outlook on Love

Love Is Not Like the Movies

I wrote this two years ago but I still find it relevant, also it was the beginning of a book/movie, but it is basically my life.

Dark brown ruffled hair, tight grey t-shirt, hands in his pockets with a casual stroll. He smiles a little bit and I grow flustered.

"Look! That guy just smiled at you! You're looking for a boyfriend. You should date him!"

"He would never date me."

And I’m sitting here to tell you that he never will.

Don't you hate when a movie starts out with a girl talking about how some hot guy would never date her but the whole time you just know they're going to end up together? And they try to make her look awkward even though she's fabulously beautiful because they think adding some glasses, nerdy clothes or frizzy hair will automatically make her ugly. Yeah, I'm talking to you Anne Hathaway, Mandy Moore, and Hilary Duff. In the end they always get the guy. So you just get kind of pissed off after awhile because these movies give you false hope that one day a guy will see something special in you, no matter what you look like.

Being eighteen with no dating history makes me feel like something is missing in my teenage, young adult life. Everything, and I mean everything is about love. And not even realistic love, but grandiose love that raises your expectations just to let you down. Everyone wants some guy to play music outside your window or stand up and profess his love for you on a table in the school cafeteria. But instead you get invited to prom over Facebook.

Maybe it's one of those things that you just have to experience to really understand why it's such a big deal, but for someone that's never been in love, or even close to being in love. It's just plain annoying.

"I'm not looking for a boyfriend. Just because I'm single doesn't mean I'm looking."

"Okay, okay. I just thought he was kind of cute."

Having a best friend that is always hopelessly in love with someone doesn't make it any easier. Dana has dated practically every guy in our class, even if it was unofficially. She just has that something that boys want, that they see and automatically fall for. And I'm not just talking about the fact that she's had a C cup since sixth grade. She's the kind of person that can strike up a conversation with the most awkward of guys and is always happy-go-lucky and go with the flow. Those are two sure-fire traits that boys lock on to. They hate awkward silences or high maintenance, problematic girls and that's just the kind of girl that I am. And it's not like I'm prissy, but I just have problems. Anxiety problems, that make me both awkward and crabby at times.

And normally that wouldn't be a problem if I was in a movie. In addition to my slightly reclusive nature I might have eccentric style or indie music taste. Basically, I would be a hipster. But what people don't understand is that it's expensive to be unique and quite time consuming. I don't have hours to spend to go thrift shopping or spending time on the computer looking for something that will make me stand out. It's much easier and more convenient to go to Forever Twenty One and try to pretend like there aren't a million other girls there trying to pick out Aztec prints and knee-high boots just like you. Sure it's mainstream, but it's cheap and so is listening to the radio.

If I'm not outgoing and bubbly and I'm also poor and therefore forced to fit in with the other cheap people with limited time, what's left? Will a guy like me if I'm able to name an obscure band's song while I'm in the elevator with him? How will he know that I have a good heart? Thing's aren't as easy as they seem in the movies. There aren't obvious forces of good and evil in the world, and they don't look like Kate from Lizzie McGuire. There is not always an evil cheerleader openly professing her hatred towards you and forcing you to stand out because you are just not "that kind of girl". A guy is not going to fall for me if I'm just nice. That's almost laughable. The kinds of problems that show up in the typical High School movie are really aggravating. A mean bitch like that would not be praised she would be shunned. The "popular" girls in my school are not mean or mainstream Barbies who love pink and listen to pop. A lot of them are really nice in addition to being beautiful, artsy, and one-of-a-kind with the money to buy moccasin boots and makeup to make them look naturally gorgeous.

And all this time I'm talking about how love crazy our society is and how that annoys me and I'm writing all about it in the first place. It just shows how our culture really makes everyone, especially girls, fixate on this for most of their single lives. I mean "All You Need Is Love" right ? And don't tell me the Beatles were talking about adoring your parents or your pet. It's this basic principle of deep love between two people that is involved in everything that I read, listen to or watch. But I refuse to be that one more person, or main character that's overcome by desire for her best guy friend or the Quarter Back of the Football team. There can be a story without romantic love. Can't there?

I guess there can but nobody's going to want to read it. We're all programmed to expect Happily Ever After with the guy and the girl riding off in the sunset, or some form of this. I don't think there is anything aimed at a teenage audience without a boyfriend and girlfriend. I shouldn't just wait around for Edward Cullen or Noah from the Notebook to come waltzing through my door. I should move on with my life and focus on something more reliable, something more realistic, something that will make me stop reblogging kissing pictures on Tumblr and writing love stories. Something that will keep me from wishing that a boy would text me "Good Morning" or kiss me on the forehead. Something that will keep me from dreaming about laying in someones arms or holding hands with someone. Something that will stop me from loving Taylor Swift's cheesy lyrics that I secretly don't think are that cheesy and hoping for my day to be like a fairytale. Something that will stop my mind from believing in true love when there's no clear sign of it in front of me, or near me, or even touching me.

No one knows me enough to love me and know one will want to know me in the first place. And this is what scares me and makes me worry that I'll run out of time and be left a begrudged person with no experience with intimacy. This thought makes me reevaluate my personality, my life, my actions, what's wrong with me that I've never had a boyfriend or anything close to it? And then this makes me mad because I'm even worrying about it in the first place and I shouldn't be another one of those boy crazy, love struck girls who watches chick flicks waiting for her prince charming. Maybe it's inevitable. It's in my nature, my DNA; it is so ingrained in my mind. Because the feeling I get when I listen to "Skinny Love" or "First Day of My Life" makes me want to feel the highs and lows of love. Seeing two people smile at each other or exchange a look like that makes me want that feeling. That something. That everyone else talks about. Is it too much to expect the best, should I settle for something less or should I forget about it completely? 

Mother Teresa probably never thought about this. She just went off and loved everyone else without worrying about being loved in the first place. That's what I should do. Be less selfish and not spend an hour writing something about expecting adoration. Some people just want to eat.

But maybe I'm just hungry for love.