Pain is beauty

I think it’s really messed up that the first thing I think

When I start crying is whether my make up is ruined

Because that’s what is most important right?

Not the reason for crying, but looking okay while upset

Don’t let them know

Wipe away the mascara black stains rolling down your rosy cheeks

I’ve become warped by the idea that what I look like is

The most important part of me

The compliments that are supposed to make me feel good

Just create this outer shell and destroy what’s inside

Because what’s inside has no worth

According to the people who keep reinforcing my face

Instead of my thoughts or my words

And instead of trying to be the best person I can be

I want to be what ever “pretty” is because that’s what people want

They want me to parade around and give them kisses and bend to their wishes

But what does being “pretty” mean anyway?

It’s really not something to “be”

It’s an empty shell, its flirtatious and coy

Batting eyelashes and saying sweet nothings

It’s not messy, emotional, and clumsy

Pretty isn’t complicated

It’s putting on red lipstick and moving on

And the more I try to be pretty the more it hurts

Because I’m not pretty

I’m so much more than that

I can never be good enough for someone

Who only sees me for my face

Because I’m more than my mascara laden eyes

And my lip gloss smeared mouth

If you look at me like someone you want to kiss

Then I would move on because you’ll be disappointed

You’ll be disappointed because I’m intelligent and witty

Because I work words into sculptures and rope them around

Like a wild rodeo woman and I say things that’ll stop

You in your tracks and if you want simple and easy

Then please move on because you don’t deserve me

Don't worry

Something that I've had trouble realizing is that one decision does not define you.
If you listen to a Justin Bieber or Avril Lavigne song that doesn't make you mainstream or put you in some specific group. If you have a one night stand that doesn't make you a slut. If you have a panic attack and stay in on a Friday night that doesn't make you a recluse loser who has no friends. People aren't so easily defined and doing something bad or risky doesn't mean you have to continue doing that. Just because someone sees you do something doesn't mean you are defined by that action. So what if you go out and act crazy but then next time you are quiet and don't feel like talking. Don't put pressure on yourself to fulfill some role you feel like you have to fulfill. If you are known as the shy girl don't feel like you can't do something loud and obnoxious sometimes because people expect you to be a certain way. Fuck people's expectations and do what you want because you have enough pressure on you as it is without the added pressure to fulfill someone else's image of you.

Everyday

use the energy you would spend on regretting, on doing something you want to do today.

use the energy for hating someone or holding a grudge to forgiving and letting go.

use the energy for worrying on being thankful for the moment and breathing in the simplicity of being.

Wrote this for myself. Need to be reminded sometimes.

The way I see it you have to be able to have fun by yourself. You have to be okay knowing you’ll be lonely sometimes. You’ll have to make the best out of situations that didn’t turn out like you hoped they would. You have to beat off jealousy and self pity because they are easy paths to sadness and not worth it at all. You have to keep yourself from sinking into hopeless daydreams as much as they satisfy you’re longings. You have to stay away from phrases like “What if I would have…”, “I wish…” Instead of wishing and fantasizing, make something happen, anything. It doesn’t have to be a huge extravaganza. Maybe just a walk in a garden with friends. Now a days we see all these lives and people that seem perfect to us on TV, in movies, on Tumblr, on Facebook, and the reality is that you will never be them. Your life will never be a storybook or a romantic comedy. It’s you. You are your life and you are beautiful and unique and one of a kind. So don’t let yourself go to waste waiting for prince charming to kiss you or Noah to write you 365 letters. We live in a time of perfect endings and carefully written characters that always know what to say and always end up madly in love. Reality is beautiful, but it’s not perfectly manicured with background music and cinematic moments. Find the beauty in YOU, in YOUR life. Sit outside and just think, soak it in, you are your own story without an audience, and that’s ok because we don’t need indie photographs to know we had a good time, we don’t need a hundred likes on our profile picture or a bunch of notes to know we are beautiful, we don’t need someone to save us from sadness, we don’t need a significant other to make us whole. We are here. This is it. Don’t wait for approval, don’t wait at all. Start being happy. 

Pistachios

My grandpa loves pistachios. Every time I went to visit him we would sit and crack them open together. He told me something I haven’t forgotten to this day. He said that the best ones were the ones that were hard to break out of their shells. He would save those for last and then go get the nutcracker to open them up. They took that extra effort but they were worth it. And now I understand he wasn’t just explaining this so I would know which nuts to eat, he was making an analogy for myself. I know I’m not easy to understand, I’m not easy to get at, I don’t warm up right away, and I can be cautious at first, but someone that cares enough to make the extra effort will get what I have to offer and they will be lucky. 

You have always been here

If you are here now, you have always been here. Everyone begins as a potential existence, the breathe of your father as he chased your mother down in the airport to tell her he loved her, the sun shining down through the clouds making your grandfather realize he needed your grandmother like the crops needed the sun, the bleeding ink in a love letter from your great grandmother to your great grandfather, the sweat, the tears, the glances of love and passion all lead to you. All of those people that happened to fall in love and to have children, all of that love has built up to you. Isn’t that a lovely thought? I know that it all wasn’t true love, it all wasn’t perfect but even the love of other people could’ve influenced something that lead to you. You are more than you. You are everything that has happened, and I like to believe you are everything that will happen too. You are such an intricate, unique combination of moments and smells and sounds so don’t ever think you are just plain old boring you. Everyone that is here today is here because of those little moments when people made decisions and they all lead to this point, where you are, just where you belong. Cherish your moments because they aren’t lost, they will help build someone else someday too. Can’t you hear her laughing? 

Guts

Why not want it all? Stop holding yourself back. Believe you can change the world, or atleast someone’s world. Stop being afraid of going broke, getting your heart broken, being judged, or feeling anxious. Don’t worry about messing up, making mistakes, failing miserably and being made fun of for having dreams that are too big for your seemingly meager circumstances. Humans are small, look at the stars up there, the sun, the moon are so far away and we are just tiny specks in the scheme of things. So why not have big thoughts and dreams? They will course through your body so hard they make you shake. That’s being alive and once you realize that you’ll feel something so powerful. Not your heart, not your mind, right there in your stomach because you’ll finally realize they are there.

Guts.