Iceberg

I'm sitting behind Antarctica
Pretending that my eyes are
Waterfalls and the shower
Is crying but maybe all
This water will make the
Darkness wash away
Maybe it will cleanse me
From the disease that
Keeps me from the calm
& prevents me from rest
Maybe somehow in a twisted
Way I'll be the one to
Get swept down the drain
And pulled toward the ocean
Free waves
Crashing but not bruising
Breaking but still whole
Maybe I'll learn how to
Melt without losing myself

Tell me.

tell me what it's like to feel everything

and tell me how much it hurts 

tell me how much it hurts when everything comes crashing down inside your ribs

tell me how it feels when you cry so much that its hard to breathe and you can't inhale

please tell me what it's like inside your mind where you feel things you can't even describe and there's this itching to let them out

tell me what it's like to sometimes have limbs filled with sand and a chest ripped apart by a hurricane

to have feelings you don't know how to feel and thoughts you don't know where to put.

please explain to me how you work, 

how the beautiful silences curl around your lips and how fire burns the edges of me when you speak

how jagged rocks cut your insides and there's scar tissue in the bottom of your feet

how concrete doesn't compare to the landing you feel when your mind goes careening into the darkness

coming close to combustion

i want to know how it feels to be crushed from the inside out. 

because then maybe it'll make sense.

it'll make sense the way your destroying me but i've never felt more whole.

Let them rip me

Writing is rough on me

I feel it caustic on my skin

A punch in the stomach

It’s heavy in my throat

Slapping me awake

Throwing one back

Burning down inside

Words pluck me like strings

Each line a beat of blood

Let them rip me

Let them cut pieces off

So I can pick them up

And remember where they go

Suffocating backwards

I have trouble nearing the cliff without jumping off

Standing at the fence without hopping it, and

Running headlong into the mist

I clench my fist sometimes when I

See a car and watch it plummet down the street

Paper bags were never for my lunches

Cause I didn’t know how to stop inhaling

Where does it begin and I end

I let it all inside me and not back out again

Suffocating backwards

Halfway? What's that?

I don't do things halfway.
If you are my friend. Let me tell you, you will know how much I love you and appreciate you.
I'll send you texts randomly to tell you I miss you. I'll make sure to make your birthday special.
I'll protect you. I'll be fiercely loyal. Your problems won't have to be solved alone.

I guess I didn't know this would carry over to guys too.
I don't really do the whole "casual" thing. It's all or nothing baby.
So take me, all my problems but also all my gifts
Or leave me completely.

I know this isn't easy.
Life is messy and there is no such thing as black and white.
I'm not perfect. Of course all of my relationships are not so intense.
But it's really how I prefer things.
If we like each other. Then why not really like each other.

I never knew how to strike a match without lighting a fire.

Here's to the girls...

Here's to the girls
That are coming home drunk
Wishing that a guy would've asked for their number
That have no one to cuddle with
No one to text to tell about their night
Having to act okay around their girlfriends with boyfriends
Because you wish you had someone so badly
Even though you are an independent woman
Who is okay on her own
It's nice to have someone that cares
Someone who cares about you and you're face
Your hands to hold, your lips to kiss,
That day will come, that time will come
I promise you are okay.
Look in the mirror and tell yourself you are beautiful
Because you are.
You don't need a man to tell you
You're enough, you're worth it.
You're worth it all.
Drunk tears, empty beds, cold winds
It'll all be okay baby.
It'll be okay.

Ever since I learned to spell

Writing has always been a release for me. Ever since I learned to spell.

I remember learning to write the word “love”. I wanted to write it everywhere. It was like magic to me, that I could put something that I thought or said onto paper. It was like seeing that word come to life. Love became tangible and I scribbled it all over my first notebook.

Soon “love” turned to “I love you” and my simple sentences became stories. I’ve used countless notebooks throughout my life to write down my thoughts or to escape into stories. I learned quickly that through writing I could create my own worlds. The problems always got solved. The people always lived happily ever after. There was a lot of drama, heartbreak and strife but in the end everyone was okay. I could control everything and put it away neatly.

It’s gotten more complicated as I got older. I’ve learned that the intricate strings of emotions and problems are not always so easy to untie. The English language is so limiting. Not every story has a happy ending. There’s not always a lesson to be learned. And a lot of things don’t make sense.

But somehow words always make sense to me even if life doesn’t. I don’t just use life to influence my words. I use my words to manage my life.